When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Are my feet made of real feet?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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