I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
whose parrot is this?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
