Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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