actually, I'm a sock model
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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