The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
