Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
