We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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