it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
