Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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