for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize