dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
