smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
