Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
