I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
They are going to name an STD after you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
