He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How drunk are you?
Completed.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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