Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
