totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
