i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
