shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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