if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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