Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
