Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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