i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
