So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
