Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
