Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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