How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
