somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize