In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
