I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
