letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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