When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
