It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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