Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize