do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
