you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
