Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
