I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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