She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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