I want to make a zoo with you.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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