Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
