So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
