I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
