Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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