youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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