Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
she peed on how many people?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
