i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize