I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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