This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
