So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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