do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
