I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
