Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
