so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
