Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
