True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
