Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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