i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
