i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
