"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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