I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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