Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
