What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
