Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
