He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You have to summon your inner elephant
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
