im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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