I have demons in me.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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