If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
