Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize