i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
