Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
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